Something I've learned about being a mother...

...is that I may never not worry about James.  Of course I knew going into this gig that he was going to be my main concern for the next 18 years, at least.  And of course I knew that small children incite a lot of worry from their parents.  But I never knew it would be like this.  I never knew that my whole body could be aware of what this small child is doing and I never knew how much my own parents worried about me.  Now I'm not saying that I'm one of these super crazy, helicopter parents.  I don't lose sleep over germs or dirty clothes or messy dinners.  I let him explore, I don't stifle him with my worries.  In the back of my mind though, they're always there.  James growing up has been this completely bittersweet mix of pride at his accomplishments and sadness that my baby won't ever be a baby again.  Adam always says how happy he is that James is growing up and becoming more independent.  One of these days, we aren't going to have to change diapers or feed dinner to him.  I would be lying if I didn't agree that having a toddler who sleeps 12 hours straight is amazing when compared with a tiny baby who is up every 3 hours.  With growing up and becoming more independent comes more for me to worry about.  Like climbing up those damn stairs.  He can get up them just fine, but on the way down he wants to just throw himself down.  Seriously?  Stop throwing yourself downstairs!  He wants to climb up them all the time, regardless of whether mom and dad are there or not.  We put a gate up and you'd swear we'd run over his dog, he's so sad about it.  And then there are worries about what he's not doing.  He's not walking yet, is he talking enough, did I stimulate my baby's brain enough today, and did he get enough healthy foods?  All the while I know that when he does walk (or you know, just get up and run, since he's been holding back on walking for so long) I will probably long for the days when I had a crawler.  It's a fine line between cautious parent and neurotic worrier and I'm definitely walking the line.