Sunday, February 26, 2017

Can you just look at me?

Yesterday was Wyatt's first birthday and it was nice and sunny outside. It was very warm, much like the day that we brought Wyatt home from the hospital, almost one year ago. I had some great photo ideas in my mind. All of my boys, smiling in the sunshine. But with three children, those ideas rarely come to fruition and I could really do well to manage my expectations a bit better. 
So outside we go, I'm ready for photos and the boys are fussing already. Logan doesn't want to go outside, Wyatt is ready for a nap and James... well James was actually still feeling very helpful at this point. So I set Wyatt down in the grass, forgetting of course that my babies tend to hate grass the first few times they sit in it. Is that just my kids? Who knows, but we're 3 seconds in and the baby is screaming. Looking at those photos later was actually pretty funny, but I wasn't feeling so funny at the time. I pressed on, trying to get my shots. But Logan didn't want to stand by his brothers and James kept squinting, the sun was just glaring in his eyes, he claimed. 
Adam suggested that we move the baby onto the porch and out of the grass and that cheered him up momentarily. But Logan still didn't want to look and James was still squinting. And then I turned into a mean mom. I was yelling, upset and overall just wanting my photos. 
Mean mommy. It happens, right? We all lose it from time to time. 
So inside we went. And then I cried. I cried and cried. I couldn't help it. James and I talked and made up. I was upset with him for being such a brat and he was upset at me for being demanding. It happens. But then as I sat with my biggest boy on my lap, still crying, because that's just what I do, I realized something. 
I was crying because I'm scared. I'm so scared to forget exactly what my babies looked like or smelled like or felt like as I held them in my arms. I so badly want to capture every moment I can because I'm so scared that I might forget it all. I know this fear seems a bit over dramatic and knowing me, it probably is. It's not possible to remember everything and it's definitely not possible to take every picture. But we get told every day, every single day, to "enjoy every second". And that's not an easy task. You really can't enjoy all the moments, I certainly haven't enjoyed the flu were recovering from. I need to give myself a break every now and then, capture the memories in my mind and not try to force it.