Awake

I've now been awake for over two hours. James had a nightmare and came in at 12:30 am and I've been up ever since. I spent the first thirty minutes in bed, but then migrated to the living room. 

I'm alternating between work stress, generalized anxiety, pregnancy insomnia, heartburn and the nagging cough of last week's virus. And so, I usher in my 33rd year. 

I also kind of want a snack. But I can't eat until I pee. Again. And the bathroom is upstairs and I'd hate to wake Adam. Again. Also eating may lead to more heartburn. But having something in my stomach may help the acid stay down. It's really a toss up. 

My hands are numb from my bloated wrists and tapping this into my phone has made me feel a bit calmer for the moment, although slightly more hungry.  Between an impending blizzard and sorting out the previously mentioned work stress, tomorrow is going to be a long day. I suppose that's part of the hilarious anxiety keeping me awake. I am anxious because I know how tired I will be. Oh Chelsea, 33 weeks pregnant and 33 years old. 

Note to self: accomplish what you can at the office. Go to library to pick up held books. Go to chiropractor to sort out back. Take the liberal leave already on the table and take a damn nap. 

The first week

The first few full days of school have come and gone and James has been adjusting pretty well. He did have an accident on the way to school on his first day, but other than that, things have been relatively uneventful. He loves his teacher and has been enjoying playing new games and meeting new people.

We had Back to School night on Tuesday, where we learned more about the curriculum for the year and on Wednesday we learned first hand about the behavioral chart. 

The behavioral chart is a tool for discipline where the kids each have a clothes pin clipped to the chart. If you're good, you stay on blue. You can go down to green or yellow (yellow usually results in a consequence) or you can be super exceptional and move up to orange which results in a sticker and small prize. The colors make no sense to me, because they aren't in rainbow ROY G BIV order, but I'm going to get over it. Adam asked James how he did on the chart on Wednesday, who told us he was on yellow. He was warned twice for not calming down after recess. This makes total sense to me, since calming down has never been James' strong suit.  We didn't get too upset with James, mainly tried to listen as he explained himself. I suppose the funniest part of all of this was that James made sure he told us that the other kid "taught him how to be bad". I'm pretty sure he needed no help, but we talked about our expectation for his behavior and today he had no problems. 

We are slowly getting into the routine, James gets lunch and a snack, which eases a lot of my worry about him being hungry. Our daycare provider's daughter has been walking him across the street to the bus on days when the older kids aren't there in the morning. Logan seems to be thoroughly enjoying being a "big kid" at daycare without his brother, but they have been much more affectionate with each other when they are together. 

Overall, it's been exhausting, especially with soccer practice mixed in, but this is an exciting time for all of us. Even if I still can't believe I have a 5 year old!

Remember when?

Remember when it was easy to find time to write this blog?

I'm not actually sure that I do remember such a thing.  It seems I'm having trouble remembering so many things lately.

For instance, James starts kindergarten next week and I can hardly remember what it was like for him to be a baby.  He seems so big and independent these days and now he's leaving daycare and going to a new school for long school days where I will have even less control than I do now...  Is that a run on sentence?  I see his baby pictures and I can remember for a minute snuggling his little tiny self, but now I give a hug to a big, heavy boy.  A big boy to tells me his thoughts and about his dreams (always about purple monsters...)  A big boy who plays games with other big boys and leaves his mother totally confused about what is happening.  A big boy who loves his brother and wants nothing more than Logan to follow his beck and call.  Logan, on the other hand, has no time for brother's instructions.

Remember when I thought we'd have two kids and I'd get this feeling of being "done" and then we'd be done?  Ha!  That thought was fleeting and I never had a feeling of done.  So here I am, almost 12 weeks pregnant with number 3.  Even more hilarious, remember when I thought I'd never even have kids? Time has made me a liar.

Sunscreen Failure

Yesterday, the weather was beautiful.  We were outside as a family in the morning and afternoon and it was wonderful all around.  At naptime, I got in a 4 mile run and was proud of myself for getting back into some exercise.  But let's think about that, I went for a run.  At noon.  In the full sun.  With no sunscreen.
So that was a bit of a failure on my part, one that I didn't even think about until we were brushing the boys teeth before bed.  Adam noticed that I was quite red on my shoulders and back and James heard him telling me how sunburned I was.
After brushing his teeth, I helped James into his night clothes and as he did this, James asked, "Mom, does it hurt?"
I said, "Does what hurt?"
"Your sunburn."
"No, it isn't too bad, I forgot to wear sunscreen."
"We always wear sunscreen at the beach!"
"Well yes, James, momma doesn't ever forget to put it on you guys."
"Oh."
I showered and Adam put some aloe on for me.  The burn isn't too bad this morning, but I do have a perfect outline of a racer back tank top.

The boys enjoying the sun

All the Bears

My Grandma Smith had a huge teddy bear collection. One thing I remember from growing up was picking a different bear to sleep with every time we stayed with her. They all had elaborate names and back stories of where she had gotten them. They littered her couch and living room. There were old bears, like the original Smokey the Bear (always a favorite in the very fire prone Northern California) and there new new bears with tutus or cowboy hats. The fact that my dad's nickname is Bear wasn't something I thought of as a kid, but now the boys call him Grandbear and its so very fitting.  

When I was around 16, after her husband passed away, she made an effort to move the bears to one of the back bedrooms, but there were still a few favorites on the couch. 

After Grandma died and items were given out to my cousins, aunt and mom, I ended up with three of the newer bears, a momma and two cubs. Being pregnant with my second son, my mom thought I would enjoy the three bears. 

They have been well loved since they came to Maryland. The momma bear is now a daddy bear (don't worry, there's a smaller momma bear somewhere, I haven't been totally forgotten.)

James calls him Big Bear and he's been hanging out in our living room this week. My boys never met their Great Grandma, but I'm glad they have one last gift from her. 

Choosing words carefully

Today James grabbed a toy snake and as he held it to the back of his head he asked me, "Mom, do I look like a girl?"

I told him that he looked like someone with long hair.

He pushed further, "But do I look more like a girl."

I said yes, if the girl has long hair. 

He gave up on the conversation and ran off, not giving it a second thought. 

We frequently have a similar conversation about "girl toys" and "boy toys". And we are quick to reinforce that anyone can play with any toy. 

All of these questions from James lead me to wonder about many things, but mainly they remind me that it's important to choose my words well. I want to teach him tolerance and equality and love, but sometimes my admittedly more "liberal" thoughts aren't shared by everyone. This is one of the things that scares me the most about raising my boys. It especially scares me when I think about James staring school in the fall. 

I once had a coworker ask me what I thought of gay marriage and what I would think if James brought home a boyfriend. When I told her I would be happy that he'd found someone to love, she seemed shocked. That was one conversation that ended quickly! 

I know as the boys get older, we will have more conversations and lessons to be taught (and even more for us to learn as parents.) For now we will keep our message simple and accepting. 

Logan and the movies

Yesterday, I started to put a movie on for the boys and noticed that Disney's Bears was on cable. I put it on, much to James' disdain. He wanted to watch The Lego Movie for the third time this weekend and quickly went upstairs to entertain himself.

When the movie started, I realized that the narrator was a familiar voice, John C. Reilly aka Wreck-It Ralph. Apparently, Logan realized it too, because he ran to the DVD cabinet and came back holding our copy of Wreck-It Ralph. 

He wouldn't leave me alone until I switched off Bears and put Ralph on. Then he happily watched the movie, dancing and cheering along. So much for watching a nice nature film. 

I will be very happy when winter is over and we can play outside rather than watching so much television!

The Makeup Artist

In the mornings when I get ready for work, James likes to be my "helper."  Usually this means holding my blush brush while I put on my other (minimal) makeup.  I have a 5 minute routine, foundation, eye liner, mascara, and blush.  This morning James was very keen on being my "very good little helper" because he had several time outs yesterday and he was looking to atone.  He's very funny about being super helpful after he's had a bad day, so the good news is that I'm not raising a total sociopath.
Anyway, this morning he was holding my blush, the brush, a mirror and a tube of mascara, demonstrating that he was so helpful that he could hold 4 items at once.  I was putting on foundation with a makeup sponge when he asked what I was holding.  I told him a makeup sponge.  Then he asked, "Does that put black stuff on your face?"
I said, "No James, nothing on my face is black."  I'm pretty pale, so I always use a shade of foundation called Ivory.  Or Light Ivory, depending on the brand.
James quickly pointed to my large, under eye circles and said, "There momma, its black under there."
I quickly said, "No James, momma is just very tired, but thanks for noticing."
He laughed and laughed.  At least I'm still funny, even if I'm tired.

The Meatloaf Debacle

All my life, I've been known as a picky eater.  I don't like tomatoes, broccoli...  okay, most vegetables...  or fish.  I'm not into sushi, french onion soup or other "fancy" foods.  Peanut butter and jelly is still a go-to meal at 31 years old.  I keep it pretty basic.  When I married a picky eater, I wondered what our children would possibly eat.
Luckily, they both are really good eaters.  They love green beans and peas and all kinds of foods that I would never touch.  Usually, they both cannot eat enough.  They are growing boys, after all.
Last night, Adam whipped up a meatloaf.  He makes wonderful meatballs and spaghetti almost every Monday, his telework day, but wanted to change things up a little bit.  A very little bit, he uses the same recipe for both meals, its just a matter of a loaf or ball presentation.
So we baked the meatloaf, pulled it out of the oven, and I sliced up pieces for the boys to eat.  The plates went in front of the boys and the direct opposite of what I thought would happen, happened.
They revolted!  Logan took a bite, then immediately spat it out.  He then used his fingers to get any remaining meat out of his mouth and back onto his plate.  James had a similar reaction.  I bit into my meatloaf and thought it tasted great, but the boys weren't having it.  James was finally persuaded to eat, even though it was "terrible" but Logan flatly refused.  Now, if you put a meatball in front of either of them, its instantly inhaled.  We tried several times to get Logan to eat, but he wouldn't.  Finally, we gave him a string cheese and called it dinner.
Kids are funny creatures.

Penny the puppy

Just one day after the 6 year anniversary of bringing home our beloved Shetland Sheepdog, Adam brought home a new family member, Penny the Golden Retriever. The decision to get a puppy was one we made with relatively little fanfare. Adam wanted to get a cat, I said I'd rather have a dog and one day later Penny came home.

Adam grew up with a Golden and I know she is the dog of his dreams. They've already bonded and I can see how in love they both are. The boys have been very happy with Penny as well, she really is a sweet and lovable pup. 

Mac and Sassy are adjusting, but are still a bit perturbed by their new baby sister. In time, they will adjust. For now, we are working on training and enjoying all of Penny's puppihood. 

Penny's first night home

The last few months... list form

In the last few months Logan has:

1.  Gotten tubes in his ears.
2.  Begun speech therapy through the Baltimore County Infants and Toddlers program for his slight speech delay.
3.  Learned to LOVE Elmo.
4.  Started to climb everything.
5.  Continued to run head first through life, occasionally into the path of heavy machinery.
6.  Fallen in love with Rhonda's kitten, Callie.
7.  Started to have tantrums consistent with almost being 2.
8.  Fully committed to being a daddy's boy, which took much longer than mom thought.
9.  Slept consistently through the night.

In the last few months James has:

1.  Improved his bike riding skills (but still with training wheels).
2.  Gotten even more curious about the world around him (why does the sun rise and set, when does a new day start, what day of the week is it, why is it cold out).
3.  Figured out most of his family's relationships, save some of the more complicated ones (Grandpa is dad's dad, Grandma Deedee is mom AND Uncle Trav's mom, Auntie Chelle is dad's stepsister, which means they're family but no, they don't look alike).
4.  Continued to love preschool.
5.  Gotten even more opinionated on what he wants to wear.
6.  Mostly been accident free during the day...  mostly.  And has started to be better at night.  Well, a little.  Some nights?  We're trying...
7.  Started to refer to his brother as "Little Feet".
8.  Started to play alone in his room from time to time, especially when little brother wants to eat Legos.
9.  Played on his first soccer team, if you count sitting down in the middle of the field every game as playing.

The spokesman

In the last few days, James has started speaking for his brother.  He's often given us his interpretations of Logan's cries, but now he's telling us exactly what Logan is saying.
Last night, Logan said "Baa" as we were trying to feed him, and James looked at us and said, "I think Baby Logan says no."  Adam and I cracked up, Logan was saying no, because he was definitely done with dinner at that point.
Then this morning, as I was walking downstairs with the boys I said,  "I love you guys" to which James responded, "We love you, too".
I love that James is a great big brother, he's caring and loves to hug and kiss his baby.  Lately, he's been a bit impatient with Logan, running him over, rather than walking around him and we've been working on saying, "excuse me, Logan" while walking around.  Sharing is actually getting easier, especially now that Logan joins in the playing, rather than just chewing on the shared toy in question.
Our James is an outgoing sort of kid, which should make life increasingly interesting in the years to come.

A little snot

Today, I wore a purple sweater dress, black tights, and heeled booties to work. It's a pretty cute outfit and I was pleased with myself for being so fashion forward on a Monday. Mondays are usually reserved for ill fitting khakis and a boring top. I don't have a lot of energy to be fashionable on Mondays. 

My coworker, Debbie, pointed out a spot to me. "Chelsea, I think there's some fuzz under your boob, but I'll let you get it."

I looked down, assessed the situation and promptly responded, "Nope, it's just a little snot."

2014!

A new year is upon us!  I honestly can't believe how fast 2013 went by, mostly because I was exhausted for most of it.  Last year really was the fastest year of my whole life and I think 2014 might just speed by as well.  But I am loving our life and where we are.  As a family, we've gotten used to the 4 of us and I am happy we are at the end of our time with newborns.  Even though they're cute and cuddly and require no actual parenting, I am happy to have our two big boys.
Logan turned one a few weeks ago and since we'd already had his party early, it was fairly uneventful.  Rhonda's holiday party happened to be on the same day, so he got to celebrate twice.  The boys wore their pajamas to daycare that day, so when we went out for dinner as a family, they stayed in their pajamas!  Luckily, we went to a pretty casual place that was not very busy yet.
Christmas and New Year's Eve flew by too.  James loved opening presents and Logan loved chewing on wrapping paper.  We are going to have an interesting time next year when Logan also wants to open presents and James is used to opening all of them.  But there are worse problems to have and James has gotten used to sharing (at least a little bit).
My 31st birthday is coming up, but other than that, life is pretty quiet.  I am glad we are done with the holiday madness and back to a schedule.  I haven't really made a resolution this year, but I did start the Couch to 5K running program again and am hoping to do another 5K in March.  Losing another 15 lbs is my ultimate weight loss goal, but if it took the whole year, I wouldn't be upset.  Last year, I said I wasn't going to talk about weight loss, I was just going to do it.  And I have managed that fairly well.  Also, going to the gym is my only quiet, alone time ever, so I will continue to embrace it!
In the Spring, we will make some decisions regarding James and Pre-K.  We are fairly sure that we make too much for James to automatically get to attend public Pre-K, but will still apply, in case there are extra spots available (HA!).  We have decided that a full day Pre-K program is probably not something we're going to do, but a half day program would present other challenges.  Mainly, it would mean that I would be using my lunch break to cart James between school and daycare.  But when we find out for sure about the public Pre-K decision, we will look at our options again.

He's fussy

In the last few weeks, I've noticed James and Logan's relationship developing in a new way.  They seem like they really get each other more often than not and when Logan is getting fussy or grumpy, James will usually fill in the gaps for his parents, who obviously know nothing.  If I'm making Logan a bottle, James will chime in with "He's hungry, that's why he's fussy."  If Logan wants a toy, but James refuses to give it up, James will let me know that "Him wants to eat my big boy toy."  These kinds of comments happen all the time now and sometimes when I am clueless as to why my usually grinning baby is a bit fussy, I ask James.  His guess can't be any worse than mine, right?

This morning, both boys were up earlier than usual.  James watched a few cartoons and Logan played on the floor while I got ready.  When James' cartoon was over, I left the news on.  James wanted another show, but I told him we didn't have time.  This is the reason cartoons are usually not a part of the morning routine, but I made an exception today.  Logan wanted to be picked up during my last mad rush around the house to get out the door and was loudly letting me know he was displeased with me.  Then James walks up to me and says, "Mom, Baby Logan is fussy because he doesn't like the news."

They're getting so big

They're getting so big.  That seems like a pretty obvious statement, my boys are getting big.  Especially Logan, who thinks he should be walking and talking and doing all the things big brother is doing.  And especially James, who does preschool time with Rhonda now and learns so much everyday.

Logan

My baby still only has two teeth.  He has an infectious smile.  He crawls, pulls up, cruises around holding onto furniture, and looks for trouble ("adventure") everywhere he goes.  Logan wants to be by brother's side, all the time.  He wants to explore.  He loves to eat and wants to eat anything you might be eating.  He uses his pincer grasp like a pro, never having one second of trouble with it.  I never really thought "Baby Led Weaning" was realistic, until Logan showed us that he can pick up and eat just about anything.

Logan gave me 8 months as a momma's boy, but in the last couple of weeks has realized how awesome his father is.  Aside from bedtime, when he is all mom's, Logan wants to be with dad.  James gave me zero time as momma's boy, so I should relish the time I had with Logan being all mine (I do realize how silly I sound!).  Then there's the time before males took over my house and my whole existence.  I say that half kidding and half knowing that in some ways my life will revolve around cleaning up these boys' messes for quite some time.  

James

My big boy picks up on everything these days.  He knows when you're talking about him or repeating something he said.  He knows with one look when he can get away with something or not.  And he's always, always testing his boundaries.  James has an occasional accident, but is coming to the end of potty training.  He's funny, sweet and sensitive.  James started his first unit at preschool, "Me and my family" which explores themes on family, friends, pets, and feelings.  Now he tells me that I'm his friend.  Its pretty cute.  He likes to start sentences with "Guess what?".
James loves to be a big brother, with one exception.  He gets terribly upset when Logan messes with his line of toys.  Whether they are cars or trains or animals, James wants his toys lined up.  Little Brother would rather play Godzilla (like James before him) and mess the line up or chew on toys.  When Logan does this, we remind James that he can fix his line and that he should show Logan what he's doing.  James is good about explaining what each toy is and taking them gently from his brother.  But, I can only imagine the trouble these two will get in down the road.

I am trying to be more present.  Always trying.  Always reminding myself to put down the phone or the iPad and turn off the television.  Its not easy.  In trying to be more present, I am reminding myself that these boys growing is a good thing.  I shouldn't let my heart get so weary over their baby-ness wearing off.  That is a struggle for me.  While I love working and know that working is in the cards for me, sometimes I am overwhelmed with the sadness that I am missing out on the boys during the day.  Again, I am trying to shift my thinking to look at the positives and enjoy the time that I have, but some days I am just Debbie Downer.
On September 25th, Logan has his 9 month check up, so we'll see exactly how big he is then.  

They're going to make it

After a pretty quick trip to the doctor on Thursday, both boys were given a fairly clean bill of health.  They had a cold virus and didn't need antibiotics.  I got the okay to give Logan a small dose of Claritin to dry up some of his snot (even though he doesn't have allergies... yet.) and told to give James Delsym for his cough.  Kids under 4 aren't really allowed much cold or cough medicine, but the combination of the Delsym and James' usual Claritin has helped him sleep better.
The kids' usual pediatrician was at a conference, so we had to see his associate.  We have seen her before and I really like her.  She actually was the pediatrician for both of Rhonda's girls, so I know she is highly regarded.  However, when I took James to the bathroom after waiting for her for 15 or so minutes, I saw her sitting in her office.  We used the potty (James is at the phase where he wants to see any and all public bathrooms) and then sat for at least 10 more minutes.
Perhaps she was doing something important in her office or following up with another patient, but when I'm sitting in an exam room with two impatient children, one of whom is only wearing a diaper, I want immediate service.  When she came in, I was annoyed, but then she chatted with James for a minute and I got over it.  I have to learn to be more patient, but again, two snotty children in an exam room with one exasperated mother may not be the moment that I learn more patience.
I did appreciate that she directed all of her questions to James, first about how his summer was going, and second about how he was feeling and then looked to me for confirmation.  James was right on with all of his answer, for the most part.  Well, except for the part about going to France on vacation.

Dad the Chair

James decided to sit on his father today. He just hopped right on Adam as he laid on the floor.

I asked him, "James, is Daddy a chair?"

He replied, "Yes, and a bed too."

Glad we cleared that up.

Two sick boys

Both boys are sick with colds, so I am home today.  They've both been coughing and stuffy and this morning, they were especially miserable.  Logan was fussy, trying to eat with a stuffy nose, and just grumpy overall.  James was tired, stuffy, and looked at me rather pathetically and asked to stay home.  So here we are.  Logan was so fussy that I would have felt terrible taking him to Rhonda's anyway.  I've also been worried because Logan's eyes are a bit red and I am hoping its not pink eye.  Either way, its been a few days of illness and neither really getting better, so we'll go see the pediatrician today.
After Logan finally gave in and fell asleep about 2 hours ago, James woke up and has been quietly playing and watching cartoons.  James also asked to use the potty (maybe we're finally getting there?!?!?) and took a shower.  I'll try to call the doctor in a few minutes and see when we can come in.  If we can go in the morning and the boys are cleared, I will hopefully go into work this afternoon.  And if not, we'll just stay home.
James says the most hilarious things sometimes.  He just knocked over an empty water glass (one of the big plastic tumblers you bring home from a baseball game) and he looked at me and said, "Daddy would be angry about that.  He would yell and I would cry."  This was pretty funny, because Adam is the least likely person in the world to yell at James and make him cry.  But I told him it was okay, we all have accidents and then we hug and make up.  I didn't want him to think he'd really get yelled at for knocking something over.  Also, if one of us was going to yell, it would definitely be me.
So here we are at home, Logan should wake up soon and want to eat.

The First Rule of Babies Sleeping...

... is you don't talk about babies sleeping.

The second you talk about it, they stop doing it.  But only if you talk about it in a positive since.  Like if you mention that little Muffie is sleeping 8 hours at a time and is only 4 months old, that very night little Muffie is going to go bat-shit crazy and wake up every 2 hours demanding to be fed and cuddled.

We've been lucky that Logan has been in a good cycle cycle (I'm going to call it a cycle, as to imply that its a temporary occasion and not the norm) for the last few weeks.  I like sleeping all night and I remember it taking James forever to not wake up to be fed anymore.  When James started to drink milk at a year old, we stopped feeding him at night.  Logan has been eating a lot during the day, and is pretty set in his bedtime routine, even if he doesn't sleep all night.  I'm grateful for routines and some sense that I know what's going on.

We still have to deal with getting teeth and other possible regressions due to crawling and walking and growing in general, but I'm enjoying our current sleep cycle.  Also, when Logan wakes up, he doesn't really cry or scream, he just laughs and squeals and its pretty adorable.