Stress

Yesterday was a stressful day for me.  I went to my OB check up and I wasn't really expecting anything out of the ordinary...  And then I stepped on the scale.  I've managed to gain 22 lbs. in 22 weeks.  To say this is an oops is kind of an understatement.  Upon seeing this, my OB (who is rather nice usually, but is very tough when she needs to be) laid into me a bit.  I know that she needed to tell the risks associated (blood clots, pulmonary embolism, inability to heal, problems with spinal/epidural anesthesia) with too much weight gain, especially since I am already at a high BMI, but sometimes I want to kick medical professionals in the head.  I was pretty upset, but I managed not to cry at the doctor's office (I made up for that later!).  Anyway, long story short, I should not gain more weight this pregnancy.  In fact, if I was a lose a few pounds, no one would be upset.  So that's where I am right now.  I'm tracking my calories and will be working to not go over 1700 a day.  I will not eat fast food and we will be planning our meals to include less processed foods and more vegetables.  I am going to make an effort to walk more.  Realistically, these are things I should be doing regardless, but now I have even more reason.
The whole issue is frustrating to me on a number of levels.  I feel like I've been working my entire adult life  to lose weight, maintain weight, be skinny, etc. and while I know I shouldn't have gained quite so much weight to start with (its just kind of snuck up on me, I suppose), pregnancy is the one time where that whole focus on weight lose can be relaxed.  But now its not.  In the long run, watching my food intake is not a bad thing and I know that, but really just feel like a fat kid right about now.
I think my other frustration is that I know for these 9 months I am solely responsible for the health of my baby.  Part of me feels like I did a crappy job with that when I was pregnant with James because he showed up so early and because of his heart defect.  Both of those issues may not even be directly related to me, but I can't help but feel like it was my fault.  Usually, I don't feel that way, but sometimes those doubts creep into my mind.  I want to do everything that I possible can for this baby and I did everything that I could for James, but I'm not perfect.  I won't ever be perfect, but that is still the goal.  In general, I have felt a ton more stressed with this pregnancy than I did with James.  I think that's because I've seen what happens when you have medical issues that lead to the NICU and also because I now know what its like to be a mom.  I know how much I love my little boy and I couldn't have known that as a first time mom.
Anyhow, other than the fact that I'm a fatty, our little baby is doing fine.  His heart rate was in the 140's after he stopped dancing around my belly and my blood sugars have been good.  We go back on the 25th for a fetal echo cardiogram and growth ultra sound and from here on out I will be going to the doctor at least every 2 weeks.  This pregnancy is speeding along and I can't wait to meet our son!