They're getting so big

They're getting so big.  That seems like a pretty obvious statement, my boys are getting big.  Especially Logan, who thinks he should be walking and talking and doing all the things big brother is doing.  And especially James, who does preschool time with Rhonda now and learns so much everyday.

Logan

My baby still only has two teeth.  He has an infectious smile.  He crawls, pulls up, cruises around holding onto furniture, and looks for trouble ("adventure") everywhere he goes.  Logan wants to be by brother's side, all the time.  He wants to explore.  He loves to eat and wants to eat anything you might be eating.  He uses his pincer grasp like a pro, never having one second of trouble with it.  I never really thought "Baby Led Weaning" was realistic, until Logan showed us that he can pick up and eat just about anything.

Logan gave me 8 months as a momma's boy, but in the last couple of weeks has realized how awesome his father is.  Aside from bedtime, when he is all mom's, Logan wants to be with dad.  James gave me zero time as momma's boy, so I should relish the time I had with Logan being all mine (I do realize how silly I sound!).  Then there's the time before males took over my house and my whole existence.  I say that half kidding and half knowing that in some ways my life will revolve around cleaning up these boys' messes for quite some time.  

James

My big boy picks up on everything these days.  He knows when you're talking about him or repeating something he said.  He knows with one look when he can get away with something or not.  And he's always, always testing his boundaries.  James has an occasional accident, but is coming to the end of potty training.  He's funny, sweet and sensitive.  James started his first unit at preschool, "Me and my family" which explores themes on family, friends, pets, and feelings.  Now he tells me that I'm his friend.  Its pretty cute.  He likes to start sentences with "Guess what?".
James loves to be a big brother, with one exception.  He gets terribly upset when Logan messes with his line of toys.  Whether they are cars or trains or animals, James wants his toys lined up.  Little Brother would rather play Godzilla (like James before him) and mess the line up or chew on toys.  When Logan does this, we remind James that he can fix his line and that he should show Logan what he's doing.  James is good about explaining what each toy is and taking them gently from his brother.  But, I can only imagine the trouble these two will get in down the road.

I am trying to be more present.  Always trying.  Always reminding myself to put down the phone or the iPad and turn off the television.  Its not easy.  In trying to be more present, I am reminding myself that these boys growing is a good thing.  I shouldn't let my heart get so weary over their baby-ness wearing off.  That is a struggle for me.  While I love working and know that working is in the cards for me, sometimes I am overwhelmed with the sadness that I am missing out on the boys during the day.  Again, I am trying to shift my thinking to look at the positives and enjoy the time that I have, but some days I am just Debbie Downer.
On September 25th, Logan has his 9 month check up, so we'll see exactly how big he is then.  

Back to work

I started back to work today.  Hopefully, that will mean more time to blog since I will actually get a lunch break.  Logan's not too keen on those lunch breaks, the second he smells someone's food, he's wide awake.  James is at daycare and Adam is taking his 4 weeks of paternity leave, so I have a little while before I have to get myself and the boys out the door by 7 AM.  I am going to enjoy these last 4 relaxing weeks and then life will really be back in motion.

Catching up

WHEW!  What a week it has been!  I haven't updated in a while because the last week has been a bit crazy for us!  But now we are back on track and back into our regularly scheduled programming.  A ton has been going on, James went for his 2 year check up, I survived 3 days with my coworkers at a conference, Adam worked from home 2 days, and James cut his first second year molar!  It has been CRAZY.
On Tuesday, the 19th, James was scheduled for his physical at 5 PM.  Hindsight tells me this was a stupid time to make an appointment, but it meant that I wouldn't miss any work.  If it had worked out, it would have put us at the doctor's squarely during dinner time.  Luckily, the pediatrician's office called me around 11 AM and told me that James would need blood work, but the lab closes at 4 PM.  They asked that we come in early, so I got off around 3 PM and picked my little guy up from daycare.  James is doing well, meeting almost all of his milestones and growing like a weed.  He is currently 35 inches tall and weighs 26.5 pounds.  This puts him in the 90th and 43rd percentiles respectively.  Although, they're still adjusting him for 35 weeks gestation, which seems silly, since he was the world's largest "preemie".  We're very happy with his weight, even though he's much lower in percentile than height.  A lot of information out there points to better adult weight if one is smaller as a child, who knows how accurate that is, but it takes some worry away for the time being.  James got his blood drawn like a champ and we have heard back that his lead test was totally normal.  Now for the truly annoying part of the story - somehow James' CBC was not done and we have to go back for another blood draw this week.  When I figure out who to give a piece of my mind to, I am certainly going to, because to make a 2 year old receive another stick is pretty ridiculous in my book.  Also, James received his hepatitis A vaccine and is now up to date with shots until he goes to school!  From now on, we'll see the doctor once a year for check ups, I told Dr. Chander that we would miss seeing him so much, which is why we decided to have another baby.  He laughed at me and told me he'd see us in December, after the new babe arrives.
Regarding the conference I attended in Ocean City - was I ever glad to be home.  Forced social interaction with my coworkers is not really high on my list of fun stuff to do and I am not great at the small talk aspect of things.  Also, I am truly amazed that adults can act so not adult in the presence of an open bar.  Part of me was glad that my pregnancy took all drinking out of the equation for me.  All in all, it wasn't the worst way to spend 3 days, but again, I was happy to be home.
Other than that, life plugs along.  As I mentioned, James cut his first second year molar and has been having a bit of pain from the whole experience.  This has made him a bit clingier than usual, but he usually settles down after some ibuprofen.  I will be so happy once this whole teething adventure is over, but we are getting close.  Then again, we'll have another little one to start all over with!

Mommy guilt

Mommy guilt is a concept that I've heard of several times through various blogs and parenting websites that I read.  I never have really felt a lot of this so called guilt that many mom's have talked about.  Sure, I have things or situations with James that I occasionally wish I had handled differently.  And while I am certain of our family's decision to be a "two working parents" sort of household, I do sometimes wish I was home with my boy, watching his every milestone occur in front of my eyes.  But really, for the most part I am comfortable with the fact that many of the parenting "plans" that we made before James came never came to fruition.  I had a unplanned, quasi emergency C-section 5 weeks early and wasn't able to breast feed mainly due to this fact.  We didn't really let James cry it out.  We didn't use an many attachment parenting techniques as I thought we would.  Some moms have gone on and on about their guilt regarding these things, but I really don't have it.  I also don't think C-sections are evil, but I won't even get into that one.
James and I are alive and really that's good enough.
But for the last few weeks or so, I have had some mom guilt creeping into my head.  Leaving James for 4 days to go to California for my Grandmother's funeral started it.  I felt horrible about leaving James and Adam, even though I knew it was for the best.  Travelling cross county alone with a toddler is not on my list of things to do...  Like ever.  A few weeks after I got home, I attended a party at Jackie's house, again solo.  Then I went to another friend's baby shower, again alone.  And tonight I am meeting a friend, Tisha, who I haven't seen in years for dinner.  James isn't left with a baby sitter for these events, Adam is more than willing to stay home with him, but its weird to feel so bad about it.  I know that Adam misses James when he attends football games during the season, but I don't know that he feels the same kind of guilt that I do.  And maybe that's the first indicator that I shouldn't feel this way and am putting pressure on myself.
I think the root of this is really the feeling that I do miss a lot because I'm not home with James during the day.  We try to make the best of our short hours together at home during the week and do fun things on the weekends.  That's not always possible, like this weekend when we will be going to get eye exams.  After work turns into a marathon of dinner, bath time, play time, story time.
There is a fine balancing act to this whole parenting thing.  I need to be near my baby as much as possible, enjoying every moment of his childhood, but I also need to maintain some inkling of who I am without being just James' mom and Adam's wife.

More notes on being a working mom

I've talked about enjoying and needing to be a working mom before on the ol' blog.  I, for the most part, enjoy work.  I like making money, I like what I do, and most of the time, I tolerate my coworkers.  Actually, this bunch of coworkers are a cake walk compared to my former position in downtown Baltimore.
I think I'm more well rounded, more sane, and a better mom to James because I work outside of the home.  This is 2012, people!  I'm a working, career AND family oriented woman.  I juggle a lot, I wear many hats, and I honestly believe can have it "all".  I want it all and I make no apologies.
Ok, that's starting to sound like a rant, but perhaps that's what this is.
Over last weekend, I was asked by a family member of Adam's if/when we have another baby, if I will then "get to be" a stay at home mom.  This question implied a lot of things - namely that my husband and I should be sharing our sex life/procreation plans with our families (which is just weird on so many levels), that for some reason I am currently not able to be a stay at home mom, and finally that I should WANT to be a stay at home mom.  The question itself made me feel like the woman's movement was set back a hundred years or so.
When I replied that I could be a stay at home mom now and that I don't want to, I got a look like I had seven heads.  Why on earth would I not want to be home with my precious baby everyday?  And when its put like that, of course I would like to be with my kid as much as possible.
I stumbled out some answer about how I still make more money than even 2 daycare bills would cost, but I wish I could have put into words what I was feeling/thinking a little better.  I think ultimately I was just trying to get off the subject of more babies because it was making me feel extremely awkward.
Can I sigh now?

On being a working mom

Hi, I'm Chelsea.  I'm a mother, a wife, and a government worker.
Okay, maybe that's not really how I'd introduce myself, but these days those seem to be my identifiers.  I am a working mom.  When I graduated college (and before) and realized that my career options were close to nil with a Political Science/Justice Studies degree, I quickly decided that I would be getting a Masters degree.  Well actually, the University of Baltimore decided for me, they denied me entry to Law School.  I was crushed for a good week.  Then I decided that the world wasn't ending and I would have to find something else to do.  So I got a Masters of Public Administration.  I took out student loans and pretty much cemented that for the next 30 to 40 years I would be working to pay them off.
Since then I've (obviously) gotten married and had a baby.  All the while, I knew that I would be a working wife and now a working mom.  People seem to have lots of opinions on this, whether they are asked or not.
The main one being that I am a working mom solely because of the financial implications.  Yes, my working does allow us the "finer" things in life - cable television, newer cars, and dinners out are a few examples, but just because I'm working doesn't mean that I have to.  We could live off of Adam's salary, but there would be some paring back.  Honestly, I don't know if that is something that I could do.  I am pretty fiercely independent.  When we got married, the whole trusting your spouse (in the financial sense), was really difficult for me and something that I had to work on.
Another "popular" opinion is that I'm letting someone else raise my child.  I have to say, this is the one that really gets me.  Yes, James goes to daycare for roughly 40 hours a week.  Yes, Rhonda takes care of his needs during the day.  We are so lucky and thankful to have a great daycare provider.  But there are another 80 hours during the work week that he's home with us.  Aside from that, Rhonda has the same values that we do in terms of raising our child.  I know that we're all on the same page and working as a team when it comes to James.  When I drop him off and see him smiling and playing with all of his friends, I feel confident in our decision.  Of course, I miss James horribly when I'm at work, but eventually he'll be at school and there's no way I'm going to be homeschooling, so I think its better to figure this stuff out now.
But the main reason I'm a working mom?  Well, some days I actually enjoy my job.  (There are definitely days when I say "I'm leaving him at daycare all day so I can deal with this crap?!?") Some days I like having time with adults.  But everyday I need to have an identity of my own.  I need to know that I have value other than popping out a kid.  That's not to say that I don't know a lot of happy, thriving stay at home moms, because I do.  They're the moms that plan play dates, go to the zoo, and listen to story time at the library.  But I also know stay at home moms that tie all their self-worth to the behavior of their children, that don't have a life or skills beyond sitting their kids in front of a TV and texting all day.  None of this is to condemn them, but I need more to my life than that.
So I'm a working mom and that's just the way I like it.